Thursday, September 29, 2011

Pineapples!

There was a joke in the new  Kevin Hart movie " Laugh at My Pain"  where he talks about what he does if he finds himself in an intimate situation with a woman that makes him uncomfortable. Instead of screaming stop, he yells out the word "Pineapples". He considers it to be his safe word. You know, it's the kind of  code word most people who participate in bondage type activities use when the situation is going too far.

These moments are scary or down right offensive when they happen but sometimes it makes for a good laugh later. Here are my top five dating moments in which I wish I had a safe word.

1)I go on a first date with a cute guy. One minute we are sharing steamed dumplings, and the next he's crying over his ex girlfriend. Like real tears. Crocodile tears. Streaming down his face with no shame...Pineapples!

2)One guy asked me if I would ever consider a threesome with two men. I said no, because in my opinion that's not a threesome that's a gang bang. He then says "What if the two guys really focus on each other?"...Pineapples!

3)I went on one date with this guy and now I wake up every morning  to a text message that says "Good morning JUICYNESS"... Pineapples!

4)I met a man who looked a little older, like maybe in his late thirties. I was okay with that. He later reveals he's 52 years old. I tell him that my father is only 55 and he says "Well, would he mind if you call me daddy?"... Pineapples!

5) This guy tells me he lives at home with his mother (He's 32). He just moved back to New York. I don't judge him because times are hard. He seems hopeful that it's a temporary situation. He then informs me that it's not stressful to live there because he and mother are really close. Apparently she took the door off the hinges to his bedroom. Her philosophy was that if he didn't pay rent he didn't need privacy. He then invites me over at an ungodly hour to "watch TV". I share my discomfort with hanging with him in the same vicinity as his mother. He then says "We're grown. My mother is down". I still say no. Then he suggests my place because at least he won't have to hang a sheet over his door for privacy... Pineapples!  Pinepples! Pineapples!

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